It’s 1:30 in the morning. I cannot sleep so I will blog instead. I’m stretched out on the floor next to the heater typing, and hopefully my boyfriend cannot hear my incessant finger tapping.
This afternoon I packed two sandwiches to go and headed to the beach to meet up with my friend. Under one arm I carried my scuffed up skimboard as I rode the bus. I felt slightly awkward carrying the thing, but it’s San Francisco and I see people riding the bus with surfboards all the time.
Despite the awkward juggling of a few things I was so happy that I made the effort and dedicated myself to the day’s events. My friend and I had been planning a skimboarding afternoon for ages and we finally made it happen. I always feel so warm inside and brimming with pride when I actually make plans happen. They’re so easily talked about as a concept or a wish or an idea, but often those plans never evolve past the invention stage. I feel so accomplished when I can actually make ideas real and tangible, with genuine memories attached that can be shared with friends.
Given that life is so mysterious and the future is so unknown, I often get overwhelmed. Yet, I expect myself to attain impossible goals and know the answers to profound questions that I shouldn’t reasonably be able to answer at this point in my young life. Like, what is it that I want to do with the rest of my life? On one level I realize that this is a question that many people probably ponder even in their thirties. And I realize that what we want from life is constantly changing as we grow older and learn more about what it is that makes us happy.
Slowly, I’m beginning to allow myself to be in that uncomfortable realm of not knowing. It’s scary, yes. It’s terrifying even, but I think it’s a much better place to be. It’s an honest place, a calm place, a safe place that allows me to be forgiving of myself. If I can find this place of acceptance I will be much more patient and content with life’s confusing twists and turns. Instead of asking ‘why’ and demanding an answer to all of life’s questions, I’ll be able to just go with the flow and have faith that answers will come when they ready. And when I’m ready.
As my boyfriend says, “be in the moment,” and I think that is a beautifully simple way to accept the unknown. The present is now, and ‘now’ is much simpler place to be than the future. And I’m learning that it’s the little things like skimboarding, being outside in nature, making rituals with friends, laughing with loved ones, and acting on those beautiful, fleeting moments of inspiration that keep me centered in the ‘here and now.’
This is my goal. It’s not laying in bed, fuming over the fact that I cannot sleep. My goal is to sigh at the silliness of it all, move on, and enjoy my heater’s splendid warmth, the softness of the pillow I’m laying on, and embrace the urge to capture my thoughts. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but it’s that grand scheme that throws me off. What may seem trivial to one person is what makes my life worth living. It’s the little things that make me happy. They make every moment special. And although a night of insomnia may not be such a great thing come tomorrow morning, but right now, on this night, it’s making the moment meaningful. And even one special, meaningful moment means more to me then the ominous grand scheme.
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